Hello -
I apologize for this strange introduction, but I have never been quite traditional. In fact, I am often known to my friends as being somewhat eccentric. So how am I going to introduce myself, that's the question of the day.
I am a Chinese American woman who was raised in one of the most conservative and traditional communities in the United States. This blessed place is called Utah. Now, if you don't know about Utah then consider yourself a bit lucky. Outside of our beautiful mountain ranges and muggy smog, we are the "mecca" for mormons. What are mormons? If you don't know that, then I'll direct you to a website that explain who they are.
Growing up, I realized very quickly that the best way to be happy in this environment is to be the ideal Mormon. That means you never have sex, do not drink, follow church leaders, date wholesome men, marry someone in the temple, have a family, and a whole lot of other wholesome Christian values. I'm not saying that i was a perfect teenager, but I learned that what made me happy didn't always fit within this very stiff cutout of what a mormon should be. If you're reading this, you're probably wondering why I didn't just do what I wanted to make me happy. The answer to that is a lot more complicated than I would like but i'll try my best to answer it.
Chinese children don't do things that would bring dishonor or disappointment to their parents. I couldn't not be the perfect mormon girl. Especially since this is a religion that both of my parents had fought so hard to be a part of. Another reason is that we live in a region where success is often related to who you know and how active you are in the church.
So with that mindset, I let myself act and pretend to be who everyone thought I should be. In essence, I allowed myself to wear a mask only allowing the select few to really see who I am. I'll admit that it was enjoyable, but after a while I realized that I can't wear a mask anymore. It's exhausting. I have no idea who I am because I have allowed all my decisions to be based off of what I believe people want me to be.
This blog is meant to be a place where I can truly write what I think and feel. It really isn't meant for anything else because in this blog I have to be real with myself. I can no longer lie to myself and say that I am happy.
I apologize for this strange introduction, but I have never been quite traditional. In fact, I am often known to my friends as being somewhat eccentric. So how am I going to introduce myself, that's the question of the day.
I am a Chinese American woman who was raised in one of the most conservative and traditional communities in the United States. This blessed place is called Utah. Now, if you don't know about Utah then consider yourself a bit lucky. Outside of our beautiful mountain ranges and muggy smog, we are the "mecca" for mormons. What are mormons? If you don't know that, then I'll direct you to a website that explain who they are.
Growing up, I realized very quickly that the best way to be happy in this environment is to be the ideal Mormon. That means you never have sex, do not drink, follow church leaders, date wholesome men, marry someone in the temple, have a family, and a whole lot of other wholesome Christian values. I'm not saying that i was a perfect teenager, but I learned that what made me happy didn't always fit within this very stiff cutout of what a mormon should be. If you're reading this, you're probably wondering why I didn't just do what I wanted to make me happy. The answer to that is a lot more complicated than I would like but i'll try my best to answer it.
Chinese children don't do things that would bring dishonor or disappointment to their parents. I couldn't not be the perfect mormon girl. Especially since this is a religion that both of my parents had fought so hard to be a part of. Another reason is that we live in a region where success is often related to who you know and how active you are in the church.
So with that mindset, I let myself act and pretend to be who everyone thought I should be. In essence, I allowed myself to wear a mask only allowing the select few to really see who I am. I'll admit that it was enjoyable, but after a while I realized that I can't wear a mask anymore. It's exhausting. I have no idea who I am because I have allowed all my decisions to be based off of what I believe people want me to be.
This blog is meant to be a place where I can truly write what I think and feel. It really isn't meant for anything else because in this blog I have to be real with myself. I can no longer lie to myself and say that I am happy.
